Jill aka Jo (sireesanwar) wrote,
Jill aka Jo
sireesanwar

Andromeda: Perceived Weakness, T. Rhade, PG, 1/1

Title: Perceived Weakness
Author: SireesAnwar
Show: Andromeda
Setting/Season: End of Season 5
Rating: PG
Spoilers: None really, maybe a hint as to what happened in the end…
Warnings: Curse word. Depressed thoughts.
Disclaimer: I do not own any of the Andromeda characters so don’t sue me. I do not own the rights to the song either. I just love it and thought how much it fit with Rhade.
Summary: Rhade rummages through Beka’s music library on Dylan’s suggestion.
A/N: (If there are any) I wrote a similar little thought filled story on the Green Day song Boulevard of Broken Dreams but this Papa Roach song Scars is just great for him too.


Perceived Weakness

Dylan said I should look up the song Scars by a group called Papa Roach in Beka’s music library. I couldn’t imagine why this would be a necessary thing for me to do but I was curious. I got myself onto the Maru without Beka’s knowledge and proceeded to rummage through her music library. She had quite a bit and some are very hard on the Nietzschean ear.

It really didn’t take me all that long to find the song and so I put it on and listened.

I tear my heart open, I sow myself shut

Ouch! Why would anyone do such a thing?

My weakness is that I care too much

Oh. So his weakness is that he cares so he opens himself up to people only to shut himself off when they get too close. Why am I listening to this again?

My scars remind me that the past is real

A very true statement. Sometimes remembering the things you’ve been through leave you with a sense that everything you’ve experience is in someway a dream but those scars… they tell you it was real and that you’ve survived. Not that I have many outward scars but the same goes for those seared on your soul.

I tear my heart open just to feel

A strange statement but I suppose he’s saying he opens himself up to whatever comes at him just to feel, just to know he’s still alive. I know this. I risk everything just to know I’m alive and without.

Drunk and I'm feeling down
And I just wanna be alone
I'm pissed cause you came around
Why don't you just go home

I feel this way every time Harper opens his mouth and spews forth his ‘wisdom’ and ‘insight’ into my life. As if that tiny man knew what was inside of me or what I go through. He has no idea what I’ve lost. As if Louisa was the only thing.

Cause you channel all your pain
And I can't help you fix yourself
You're making me insane
All I can say is
I tear my heart open, I sow myself shut
My weakness is that I care too much
And our scars remind us that the past is real
I tear my heart open just to feel

I hate this song. Dylan knows me too well. Yes, I try to help and I usually can’t make as big of a difference as I would like. It is the Commonwealth officer in me. But I’m killing him with each drink I take. He’ll die and soon I won’t have to worry about the past or the present and yes I get that my scars are what’s reminding me of everything I’ve lost. They are the only thing I have left from the life that was robbed from me.

I tried to help you once
Against my own advice
I saw you going down
But you never realized
That you're drowning in the water
So I offered you my hand
Compassions in my nature
Tonight is our last stand

Damn it. The more I listen to this song the more I think whoever wrote this had me in mind but according to the information on the data it was written on earth long before the Nietzschean ever existed. How can this be?

I’m sitting here on the Maru listening to this song thinking of all the times I’ve followed Dylan into whatever scheme or battle he felt compelled to take on only to realize I was a fool to offer my assistance but then if I didn’t the guilt would eat at me. Compassion? Despite what the other think, it is part of my nature. Tonight? We’ll see if our lives change and we return to the universe we once loved but felt compelled to fix.

I tear my heart open, I sow myself shut
My weakness is that I care too much
And our scars remind us that the past is real
I tear my heart open just to feel
I'm drunk and I'm feeling down
And I just wanna be alone
You shouldn't ever come around
Why don't you just go home?
Cause you're drowning in the water
And I tried to grab your hand
And I left my heart open
But you didn't understand
But you didn't understand
Go fix yourself

No one understands. My love was all I really had. The uniform meant nothing. It was a job. It was my sense of responsibility. It was me honoring my family. What family? Their gone and now I’m alone. Sure, I have Dylan, Beka, Harper, Andromeda, Trance and Doyle, but really I’m alone. I spew those words. I just wanna be alone. They are so true but untrue. I want my family to be there to greet me. I want to feel that same love I once did. If we don’t get out of hear I will die and I will welcome it.

Go fix yourself? How can I do such a thing? How can I fix what is broken. My life is broken and the only way to piece it back together is to return to the point before I lost my family and my love. I would settle for just one but how?

I can't help you fix yourself
But at least I can say I tried

Yes, I tried. I tried to help you fix your world Dylan. My world. I tried to get us out of here. I even let him believe I thought of him as my captain. Do I? Yes, part of me still sees him as the captain I promised to follow and yet he is the reason we are stuck here. At least in the known universe I would have a purpose and be able to go about it with some measure of normality instead of sitting idle.

I'm sorry but I gotta move on with my own life

I should move on. Just walk away from him and his crazy plans. It is impossible for us to leave this system but months ago I said the same about getting Andromeda up and running. And he’s done it. Impossible seems so easy for Dylan. I gotta move on with my own life… but how can I?

I can't help you fix yourself
But at least I can say I tried
I'm sorry but I gotta move on with my own life

Those words seem less like me the more I hear them. I can’t help him but I can. Dylan isn’t the man everyone thinks he is without his crew. We all like to think Dylan will just go on without us but I see it; his weakness or at least a perceived weakness. He needs his crew; his family. It’s true. He thinks of us as his family. Strange how I feel the same.

I tear my heart open, I sew myself shut
My weakness is that I care too much
And our scars remind us that the past is real
I tear my heart open just to feel
I tear my heart open, I sew myself shut
My weakness is that I care too much
And our scars remind us that the past is real
I tear my heart open just to feel

This song applies to Dylan more than me, minus the drunken part. He should really re-think the psychoanalyzing of his crew and leave that to someone like Trance.

I find it strange that this song had put me in better spirits and now I actually believe we will get out of the Seefra system. Maybe that was the point all along. What I perceive as Dylan’s weakness is actually and admirable attribute I and the rest of us also possess on some level. We believe we will succeed.

Maybe I should rummage through Beka’s music collection more often.
Tags: fanfic-rating: pg, fanfic: andromeda
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